7/19/19

Life is full of hard days. In the span of two years, I went from a mom of two beautiful kiddos to a cancer mom and now to a grieving mom. November 1, 2017 was a hard day…the day Justin was diagnosed with Stage 3 Embryonal Rhabdomyosarcoma. September 19, 2018 was a hard day…the day we received confirmation that Justin’s post treatment scans showed a relapse- new and active cells were found. December 27, 2018 was a hard day…the day that the ultrasound showed the tumor growing once again despite trying yet another type of chemo. February 5, 2019 was the hardest of them all….the day we had to say good-bye to our baby boy forever. There were countless hard days in between as well as since, but these are the ones that are forever etched in my brain.

And the one I’ve been dreading most is now here…Justin’s birthday. This would’ve been his 3rd. Instead, it has become his first heavenly birthday…the first of many. He will forever be 2 1/2 years old. I will never get to see my boy go to school and graduate, I will never get to witness him fall in love and get married, I’ll never get to watch him become a father or chase his dreams in life. And I’ll no longer get to relish in the joy of seeing him grow closer to his only sister. I’ll never get to do most “firsts” with him and that shatters my heart. Ironically, July is both Sarcoma Awareness Month and Bereaved Parents Month. No wonder my heart is extra heavy these days. Even with the heaviness pressing down on me every day and the emptiness that has invaded my heart & soul, I hang on to the hope & faith that Justin’s life served a greater purpose; that his short life was not in vain. So today I say to my Justin that I miss you and I love you like crazy….I’m so proud of you…I wish I could hold you again…I wish you were here.

Happy birthday my sweet J bug…I’ll see you in my dreams.

xoxo